It's almost November 29th. It's my 26th Birthday. I've come a long way since that hospital in San Antonio, Texas. I think it's wise to reflect on how much can happen in a year. Here are some highlights.
In my 25th year I got my motorcycle, was Best Man in my Best Friends wedding, learned a lot about Manliness, grew a beard~ twice, took a Ballroom dancing class, moved to a great house in La Mirada, reconciled a friendship, started dating again, laughed till I cried, just cried, learned more of the depths of my sin and heights of His redeeming love,
saw John Williams at the Hollywood Bowl, faced some of my darkest days, went to a Polo match, watched all 6 season of Lost, bought a Queen size bed, continued to look for a queen to share it with, got my first TV~ 46" of beautiful HD, stayed up too late with friends, got up too early for work, saw God's provision for every day,
rented my first car ~ a chevy aveo, broke more than a few rules, ate a fish eye, biked to the ocean, tried to be a better friend, humbled myself to ask for help, was blessed to have my sister and brother visit me for parts of the summer, almost beat Roger at PS3 baseball, took a lot of fun trips to Disneyland, saw World of Color, panicked, rested in the shelter of His wings, was rebuked,
ate breakfast for dinner, dressed up as David Bowie from the 1986 movie Labyrinth, spent way too much time on facebook, not enough time in prayer, disappointed by expectations, delightfully surprised by the unexpected, saw Wicked with my family in SF, faced many fears, conquered some was defeated by others, acquired my first art piece, found the gospel to be fresh and exactly what I need time and time again.
Thank you Father for my life. It's unfair how blessed I am. I am so loved by you and through the people you have filled my life with. No matter how hard I try I can never seem to convey, or show my gratitude enough. Thank you for you grace and mercy in my prideful mistakes. Thank you for the pain that reminds me this is still a journey to my home with you and for your promises to see me all the way there. Thank you for lessons learned. Thank you for sunrises and sunsets. Thank you for taste, scents, beauty, music, touch, and your Spirit that speaks all that I cannot. Thank you for a church family. Thank you for a job to work. Thank you for health and for sickness that reminds me what a blessing health is. Thank you for the blessing of a future and for peace in the uncertainty. Thank you for my family that prayers for me, supports me, laughs and cries with me and loves me almost more than I can take.
Father may you be glorified in this next year. May every day bring me closer to you in knowledge and truth. If you tarry until I'm 27 may I be more like your Son Jesus.
I love you.
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Today I got a refill on some prescription meds I've been taking for the past month to help me in my battle with anxiety and panic attacks. The pills have been a daily reminder of something I hate to face.
1. There is something wrong with me.
2. I'm too weak to battle it on my own.
I've spent the last year absorbing as much content on Manliness as I could get my hands on. I've set goals and tried to grow and mature into more of a responsible, strong, committed, man. I even got up the nerve to ask a girl out on a date and buy a motorcycle. I thought things might finally be coming together. Then CRASH!
My world seems to collapse like a sandcastle during high tide. I couldn't sleep, eat, relax, work. Everything felt overwhelming. There was been a daily assault on my sense of hope for the future which I want to discuss later.
In this battle something has become a clear as the Caribbean sea. My Daily need of God's grace and mercies. Because:
1. There is something wrong with me.
2. I cannot bring about my own salvation.
I hope that someday I won't need these pills but I know that everyday on this earth I need God to be my strength and to release my gorilla grip on all that I think I control about my life. This is why prayer and God's living word are so crucial to my everyday. God knows I seem to have a tragically short memory when it comes to truth and I need the constant reminding.
I am so grateful for His faithfulness to me.